PS 1534 

D54 17 

^37g DOL AND SOCIAL DRAMA. 

Copy 1 ~~ — — — 

*'^^ct T^ell 3ro-a.r part." 



IS THE EDITOR IN? 



B7 



7. ^. p£N130N, 



IPI^ICE: 15 OEIiTTS. 



CH ICAGO : 

T. S. DENISON. 



NO PLAYS EXCHANGED. 



FOR SCHOOLS AND AMATEURS. 



oeo. 



Price, 15 Cents Each, Postage Paid, 



These plays have been prepared expresely to meet the wants of teachers 
and amateur clubs by teachers of extended experience in the school room 
and in the presentation of amateur plays. They are simple iu construction, 
and require no scenery, or only such as is usually at hand. They afiord ample 
opportunity for '^acting.'''' They are pure in tone and language. 

The "School and Social Drama" series are no longer on trial. Their 
success is assured. The testimonials given with each play express the 
opinions of those who have used the play and know whereof the;y speak. 

"If the succeeding numbers are as good as the first, we predict for them 
a large aem&nd.'"'— National Teachers'' Monthly, iV. Y. and Chicago. 
'°The farces are full of fnn.''''— Daily Inter-Ocean, Chicago. 
"These plays are supplying the dearth of good literature in this depart- 
ment."— iV. r. School Bulletin. 

"We do not know of twelve dramas in the language (twelve sent for re- 
view) better adapted to teach good lessons and at the same time furnish 
amusement to the yowag.'''—Neiv England Jour. Education. 
ODDS WITH THE ENEMY. 
A drama in five acts; 7 male and 4 female characters. Time, 1 hour, 
45 m. Contains a good humorous negro character. 

" It took splendidly. 'Tabbs' made it spicy."— C. E. Rogers, Dunkirk, 
Ind. 

SETH GREENBACK. 
A drama in four acts ; 7 male and 3 female. Time, 1 hour 15 m. Contains 
a good comic Irish character. 

" Scth Greenback was a perfect success. It can't be beat as an amateur 
drama."— Tl'i^^ZT. Talbott, Coatsville, Ind., Dramatic Club. 
WANTED, A CORRESPONDENT. 
A farce In two acts, 4 male and 4 female. Time, 45 m. Very interesting 
and amusing. 

INITIATING A GRANGER. 
A ludicrous farce: 8 male. Time, 25 m, 

" We used Initiating a Granger. It was laughable beyond description." — 
J. W. Simmons, Lawrence, Mich. 

THE SPARKLING CUP. 
A temperance drama in five acts ; 12 male and 4 female. Time, 1 hour, 45 
m. A thrilling play, worthy the best eftorts of amateurs. Pathetic song and 
death scene. 

" The Sparkling Cup met with great success. It is the great rival of Ten 
Nights in a Bar Room."— TF. F. Kvhn, De Graff, O. 
A FAMILY STRIKE. 
A spicy farce, illustrating " strikes ;" 3 male and 3 female. Time 20 m. 

TWO GHOSTS IN WHITE. 
A humorous farce based on boarding-school life; 7 female characters. 
Time, 25 m. Very funny throughout, and contains some excellent hits. 



IS THE EDITOR IN? 



j^ ie^-^de^oie:. 



T. S. DENISON, 



Author of " Odds -with the Enemy '^ *^ Initiating a Grander, ^'' " Wanted^ a Cor- 

respondent," 'M Family Strike,'" "Seth Greetiback," '^ Hans Von Smash,"" 

" Borrowifio- Trouble,'''' '^ Tivo Ghosts in White," *■* The Pu/l-Back,'"' 

" Country "justice," " The Assessor," " The Sparkli7ia- Cup," 

"Louva the Pauper," '■^ Our Country," "-The School- 

Ma'am'"' " The Kansas Immicrrants,'' 

''The Irish Litien Peddler," Etc. 



CHICAGO: 

T. s. iDEisriso::sr. 

Copyright, 1879, by T. S. Denieon. 



or M„r,-^\H^V^ 






CHARACTERS, 



Mr. Pastepot, editor of the Tellaichojyper. 
Miss Poetaster, a regular contributor. 
Mii. Anson, a subscriber and advertiser. 
Mrs. Boodlum, an aggrieved subscriber 

Mr !Sp\r^^^'^' [ Sl'^^^^^red citizens seeking redress. 



STAGE DIRECTIONS. 



E means right as the actor faces the audience; L, left; G, 
center. 



SYNOPSIS. 



Miss Poetaster calls to read an effusion to the editor. "With 
difficulty he gets rid of her, when Mrs. Boodlum enters to say she 
did not get her paper. Pastepot refers her to the " devil." She 
does not understand the term, and leaves highly indignant. Spar 
calls to punish the editor for some allusion to him in the paper. 
Pastepot slips out. Boodlum enters to avenge the insult to liis 
wife. They fight. Enter Pastepot, who finally gets rid of them 
by saying the editor is across the street. He sends them there 
and they attack the rival editor, who is not so easily disposed of. 

Note.— The author does not claim as original, the incident of the tight be- 
tween Spar and Boodlum. It was suggested by a newspaper paragraph. 



IS THE EDITOR IN ? 



Scene. Office of a country newspaper. Shabby, inky old desk or 
table G. Waste-basket R of table. Old newspapers, ink bottle, etc.y 
scattered around plentifully. Editor seated lazily with his heels 
no the table reading the exchanges ^ and clipping extracts freely with 
a huge pair of shears. 

P. {Throwing down his paper and shears.) This is becoming 
unbearable. I can't stand it much lon^^er. There is absolutely 
nothing to fill the columns of the next Tellawhopper. There hasn't 
been an elopement or a murder for a week. Knockdowns have 
become vulgar. They don't satisfy the tastes of a cultivated and 
enlightened community which has been pampered by the cream 
of journalism. The groveling reptile who runs the Clashpacket 
may be content with street fights, burglaries and runaways, but 
the Tellawhopper is conducted on a higher plan. The Tellawhopper 
sits proudly perched on the very apex of the esthetic The back- 
alley organ, the Clashpacket, revels in the mire of its own low 
surroundings. {Enter Miss Poetaster L.) 

Miss P. {In an affected tone.) Good morning, Mr. Pastepot. 
How's the Tellawhopper J 

p. Splendid, magnificent, booming! Take a seat. 

Miss P. {Seating herself) I have a brief effusion for you. 

P. A what ! 

Miss P. An effusion ! a poem ! Oh, you ignorant man ! I'll 
n;ad it. 

P. {Hastily.) Don't, I pray. I'll put it on file for the next 
isyue. 

Misit P. Oh, but I must. It's an imitation of Tennyson. 
Impromptu, you know ! 

p. {Aside.) That has racked your brains for a month. 

Miss P. My Pegasus you see was urged by the spur of the 
moment. {Laughs.) 

P. So you loosened the rein for a bit, eh ? {Both laugh. Miss 
P. reads.) 



AHENOBAKBUS'S PROPOSAL. 



AX IMITATION OF TENNYSON. 



It was on a summer morning with the sun an hour high, 
And Biddy Boyle was lianging out a lot of clothes to dry. 
A pensive maiden tripped along adovvn a shady lane; 
When Ahenobarbus Harper cried, " Hello, my Betsey Jane.'* 



4 IS THE EDITOR IN? 

Then the maiden halted hastily and hove a great big sob,' 
But Ahenobarbus little thought 'twas all a put-up job. 
Said Ahenobarbus Avildly, " Ah, my sweet, my chick, my pet, 
Why com'st thou out so early when the grass is dreadful wet ?" 

" For the dew is very heavy and your shoes are very thin ; 
If you catch the horrid rheumatiz your ma will keep you in." 
Then across one of her optics stole the slyest kind of wink, 
I'd say 'twas o'er the left one, but I haven't time to think. 

And the maiden softly answered, " Sir, I wander down this lane 
Seeking for a precious treasure which I fear I seek in vain ; 
A word of information, sir, would not be out of place; 
Perhaps 'twould save the rheumatiz and end this nasty chase." 

Emotions, ten or twelve or more, went racin^^ through his breast ; 
And his throbbing heart w^ent bobbing round an' round an' round 

his chest. 
Ahenobarbus wildly cried, " My duck, my pet, my doe, 
AtFections pent will burst this heart." Said she, ''Young man go 

slow." 

Said he, " A treasure long I've sought. Have I my treasure won ?'' 
Said Betsey J., " Put on your hat; you're standing in the sun." 
Ahenobarbus frantic grew; he tore his mustache out; 
Great handfuls of the hair he pulled and madly flung about. 

A smile then softly stole from out the left side of her mouth ; 
He said, " Smile on me once again." That time she smiled from 

both. 
" Oh, speak to me, my Betsey J., my hopes soar like a rocket." 
She spoke, but merely said, " Look there ! what's sticking out 'o 

your pocket?" 

Convulsions sore his bosom tore; he pranced like one possessed. 
Poor Betsey Jane was quite alarmed to see him so distressed; 
Amazed, to soothe his pangs she spoke, " O Henny, what's the 

matter ? 
It's cherry time ! you must be sick, you're raising such a clatter." 

" You said you sought a treasure, love ; upon that hint I acted." 
" 1 am undone," he faintly groaned ; " I think I'll go distracted." 
A curious smile shone in her eyes, she laughed and said, " I vow 
If all this rumpus hain't been raised 'bout our old mewly cow." 

Miss P. What do you think of it, Mr. Pastepot? 

P. Miss Poetaster, it's tine, remarkably fine. I think it will 
everlastingly silence that miserable scribbler who contributes his 
platitudes in rhyme to the Clashpacket. 



IS THE EDITOK IN? 5 

Miss P. Don't you think the imagery very delicate, and cal- 
culated to arouse sad, sweet reflections in scLtiniental bosoms? 

P. Ahem ! yes ! oh, yes. Except for that magnificent majority 
who happen to reflect in their heads instead of their bosoms. 

Mi&s P. Mr. Pastepot, do you think my effusion has the marks 
of genius? 

P. It has. I can affirm without equivocation that it has extra- 
ordinary marks. {Aside.) Including the ear marks. 

Miss P. Don't you judge me harshly, Mr. Pastepot, in what 
I am about to say. For all the Avorld, with Venus and the moon 
thrown in, I wouldn't lacerate that refined, delicate, sensitive 
aroma of your nature, which like the fog from Goose creek copi- 
ously distills itself for all. 

P. Pray don't mention it, madam. It's my duty to distill the 
article in question for the benefit of my less fortunate fellow 
beings. It costs them only one dollar-and-a-half per year, strict'y 
in advance. The delicacy of your compliment oversteps ail 
sordid considerations, and views its recipient in his true light. 

Miss P. Which is none of your tallow dips, but a big kerosene 
lamp with a patent asbestos wick in which (With seniiineiitaL sinj 
song) the midniglit oil is made to boil — 

P. No, you mean burn. 

Miss P. *So I do. I feel so poetical. I long to soar forever- 
more. 

P. On the cellar door ! 

Miss P. {Liughing.) Mr. Pastepot, I m;^'^ help it. But you 
are to blame. (Confide/itiallf/.) Do you know! The Tellawhop- 
per was the first paper to publish my effusions ! 

P. Great Heavens, madam! Did that reptile of the Clash- 
packet dare to reject such treasures ? (Aside.) A trick of his to 
mflict them on me. 

Miss P. He did. But I'll have my revenge. 

P. And I'll have mine. 

Miss P. The Tellawhopper henceforth shall have all my effu- 
sions. I have two more here, one on ''Gentle Spring." I'll 
reatl it. 

P. {Hastily.) By no means. Miss Poetaster! The pleasure of 
hearing one of your pieces is quite enough for one day. 

Miss P. {Unfolding an immense roll of MSS.) There are only 
forty-nine stanzas. 

P. I'll file it for future use. 

Miss p. Then, I have another little effusion, entitled " Some 
reflections on observing the fall of the beautiful snow." 1 7nust 
read this, for I wish a little assistance in two or three places 
where the rli3mies won't fit. 

P. {Desperately.) Madam, I have an appointment. I entirely 
forgot it. Pray excuse me. {Seizes his hat) 

Miss P. Oh, I'm so sorry ; I wanted to have a nice chat on 
literary topics. You must tell me this. What rhymes with cajole! 

P. Tidpole ! 



6 IS THE EDITOR IN? 

Miss P. But isn't tad-pole vril^^ar ? 

P. No, indeed, madam. It is a very modest production 
of the veg — no, not of the vegetable kingdom, of the mineral 
kingdom. That's it. It flourishes in mud puddles. 

Miss P. Oh, not mud puddles. There's no poetry in mud pud- 
dies. Say babbling brooks. 

P. {Frantically.) Madam, I implore you to desist. I must 
go. {8t((rts toward the door L.) 

Miss P. {I nterrwpting him, speaks in very sentimental tone.) 
Now, would you be so ungallant as to run away, Mr. Pastepot? 
Stay but a moment. I've already used the word tadpole, or its 
relative, pollywog, in a short efl*usion, entitled " Moonlight on 
the Wave." Would it be right to use it again ? 

P. (Groans.) I thmk nobody would object. 

Miss P. The lines referred to begin : 

" A little pollywog 

Was sitting on a log 

While the moon was slowly rising 

Through a nasty chilly fog." 

I've forgotten the next line, but I have the papers here. {Pro- 
duces roll of MSS.) 

P. Oh, ye gods! save me from a horrible fate! (Dashes out L.) 

Miss P. There ! He's gone, and I had no chance to ask for 
some copies of the paper containing my effusion. My friends at 
a distance will be so anxious to see my imitation of Tennyson. 
I'll just leave a note for Mr. Pastepot, asking him to save me 
fifty copies. (Seats herself at table to write the note. Enter Anson, L.) 

A. Good day, ma'am. Is the editor in ? 

Miss P. He is not. (Pises, places the note on the table, and 
Exit L.) 

A. (Taking up the note.) I wonder what this is. A commu- 
nication, I suppose. (Beads.) 

Dear Mr. Pastepot: 

Please save me fifty copies of your paper containing my effu- 
sion, and oblige Yours, truly, 

Arabella Melinda Poetaster. 

A capital idea I If people who advertise effusions can get fifty 
copies of the paper, I don't see why a man who raises prize 
squashes and turnips isn't entitled to some consideration. A man 
must stick up for his rights nowadays, or he'll never get them. 
(Enter Pastepot L.) 

P. How do you do, Mr. Anson. I'm very glad to see you. 
Any news out your way ? Come in to renew your subscription, 
eh? It's just out. 

A. Well, not exactly ! I came in with a few turnips for you. 
They're prime. (Sets down a bag containing a few turnips.) 
There's half a bushel of them. 



IS THE EDITOR IN? 7 

P. Thank you. I'll notice your very handsome present. 
{Writes.) Mr. Anson, of Goose Creek township, called on us 
this week, and presented us with some of the finest turnips it 
has ever been our lot to examine. 

A. You haven't seen them yet, Mr. Pastepot. But I suppose 
the eagle eye of a critic annihilates time, space and locality. 

P. (Laughs.) Well, ihe fact is, journalism seems mysterious 
to the uninitiated, but it is all clear to him who wields the pen. 

^4. Yes, I suppose so. I hardly think that notice is what I 
want though. Can't you manage to squeeze this in. {Produces 
an immense sheet of paper written fidl on, both sides.) 

P. {Taki fig the paper.) Oh, an advertisement! Yes, we've 
plenty of room, and it shall go in with a splendid display. 
That will fill a column. I'll make it the lowest figures for you. 
We'll say $10 for one insertion, or $25 for three months. Better 
run it three months. 

A. Hold on. Mister Editor. That isn't an advertisement. I 
can't afford to advertise. Trade is dull, very dull. I thought 
maybe you could squeeze that in as an item of news. 

P. Perhaps it is news for the people to learn that Mr. Anson, 
of Goose Creek township, is in the nursery and fruit and veg- 
etable business, but I fear it is not news of that exciting kind 
which the fastidious patrons of the Tellawhopper demand. 
They're very particular, Mr. Anson. 

A. You know I gave you an advertisement last year that 
amounted to one dollar, and you said I could have a notice free 
whenever I wanted it. 

P. But this is rather an extended notice. 

A. Well, a bargain's a bargain! I want the public to know 
especially that I have very fine winter fruit in quantities to suit 
purchasers ; apples and winter pears. I'll tell you what I'll do. 

P. Send me a barrel of winter pears ? 

A. Well, no. I was going to say that if you would insert 
that notice in good shape, and send me up a hundred copies of 
the paper containing it, I would bring you a half bushel more 
turnips next time I came to town. But don't eat too many of 
them at once. They are very rich and nutritious. Good day, 
Mr. Pastepot. I'm in a hurry. {Exit L.) 

P. Well, if that isn't a sublime exhibition of cheek, then 
commend me to a pawnbroker for charity, or a pig for abstinence. 
Oh, the wretch ! Why don't he go to the Glashpacket office, where 
he naturally belongs. The reptile who runs the back-alley 
organ has brought things to this unseemly state, by cutting the 
regular rates. He has brought reproach and disgrace upon his 
profession. But w^hat cares he for shame who knows not shame ! 
He has dared to fling mud at the spotless pedestal on which the 
chaste queen of journalism sits enthroned. I'll write an article 
on that very subject. I'll make a home thrust. I'll flay him. 
It's high time that editorial blackguardism should cease. {Takes 
a pen and writes fariously^ as long as the audience enjoy it.) 



8 IS THE EDITOR IN? 

{Enter Mrs. Boodluni L.) 

Mrs. B. How do you do, Mr. Pastepot, I didn't get my papei 
last week. I am not going to lose my paper that way. It is n't 
the first lime either. 

p. (Still writing furiously.) Go to the devil, madam ! 

Mrs. B. Mr. Pastepot, such language is shocking. I'm sur- 
prised that a man of your standing should use such language. 
But you can't scare me out that way. I want my paper and I'll 
have it. 

P. Mrs. Boodlum, I told you to go to the devil ! 

Mrs. B. {Angrily.) And I'm not going till I get my paper. 

P. {Looking up.) Mrs. Boodlum, I'm very busy. The indi- 
vidual to whom I have referred you is in the back room. He is 
my authorized agent when I am otherwise engaged. {Renews 
writing.) 

Mrs. B. Your agent indeed ! a nice man you are ! 

P. He can attend to the matter quite as well as I. 

Mrs. B. I think you're a very mean man. I won't be insulted 
to my face. I'll send up Mr. Boodlum, and see if you'll tell him 
to go to that dreadful, wicked, bad place. {Exit L in high dud- 
geon.) 

P. Thank fortune she has gone. That's the way with some of 
them. If a paper is lost, they'll turn the whole town into Bedlam 
about it. {Enter Spar L, carrying heavy walking stick.) 

Spar. {Fiercely.) My name is Spar. I want to see the editor. 
I've a little account to settle with him. 

P. Oh, yes! subscription overdue I suppose? 

Spar. (Savagely.) Subscription! No! I want to see the 
scoundrel who wrote this. (Produces paper.) It says that I \)esLt 
my wife regularly every morning before breakfast to give her an 
appetite, and that I feed her children by her first husband on bean 
soup made out of mouldy beans, that I couldn't sell. What do 
you say to that, sir ? 

P. I say that the use of the appetizer alluded to is perhaps 
Injudicious, especially its use so frequently. The economy, sir, of 
the bean soup is apparent, and undeniable. 

Spar. (Flourishing his cane.) Come, sir. You can't hoodwink 
(lie by talking about economy. I've been insulted. I've come in 
to break every bone in your worthless body, and the sooner we 
proceed to business the sooner the job is over. 

P. Oh, I beg your pardon ! You wished to see the responsible 
editor. 

Spar. I do, sir, if there is any such thing as a responsible 
editor. Am I mistaken in the party I am addressing? 

P. You are, sir. The responsible editor is very frequently out, 
owing to the great press of duties which occupies his valuable 
time. Couldn't you call next week ? 

Spar. No, sir! I'll see him now. I'll wait till he comes in. 

P. Then take a seat, sir, and look at the exchanges. (Spar 
seats himself and takes up a paper. Paatepot, aside.) This may 



IS THE EDITOR m? 9 

become a trifle interesting. If the worst comes to the worst, I'll 
apologize and say it was all a mistake. (Writes a sJiort time.) 
Mr. Spar, hadn't you better call again. Mr. Pastepot's movements 
are very uucertain. 

Spar. I'll wait and regulate them. 

P. (Aside.) It's lucky he don't know me, or the acquaintance 
might n't prove agreeable. I'll tell the "devil" to get the poker 
ready, and rush in'if he hears any unusual disturbance. (iSte2)s 
off Ji. Eeturns.) I should think this would be a capital day for 
fishing, Mr. Spar. 

Spar. (Grufly.) It's too windy. 

P. I think the breeze has subsided outside. (Aside.) But not 
inside ! (Aloud.) Our editor-in-chief has for some time contemplated 
whiling away a few brief hours in piscatorial pursuits. 

Spar. (Samgdy.) Eh ? What did you say '? 

P. I should n't be surprised if he'd gone a-fishing. 

Spar. (Threateniiiqly.) Look here now I I won't stand this 
fooling any longer. I must know where that editor is, and if you 
don't tell, I'll thrash the whole office. 

P. Pray don't be hasty, Mr. Spar. I'll look for him at once. 
{Goes to R. Aside., beckoning to office hoy outside.) That's right, 
Jack! You keep the monkey-wrench and hand me the poker. 
(Alarmed, as hoy is about to enter.) No, not yet! His Satanic 
Majesty is a dreadfully small boy, too small for emergencies. I 
wish I had hired the big one that applied last week. Mr. Spar, 
I'll step outside and look for him. He may be in the street, you 
know, when I get there. 

Spar. Remember, I'm going to wait. (Exit Pastepot L.) 
Things have come to a fine pass if a man can't regulate his own 
family without getting it into the papers. I'll give this contempt- 
ible Tellawhopper a lesson he'll not forget soon. Perhaps it may 
have a wholesome influence on that abominable Claslipacket too. 
Hello, here he comes now, I suppose. (Enter Boodlum L with 
Jieady stick.) 

Boodlum. (Excitedly.) Sir, you are a villain ! 

Spar. (Angrily.) You are a slanderer! 

Boodlum. You insulted my wife ! 

S2)ar. I never saw your wife, and never wish to see her. How 
dare you meddle in my private aftairs ? 

Boodlum. How dare you deny your guilt ! 

Sjyar. I'll have satisfaction ! 

Boodlum. I'll give you all of that article you want. (They 
collar each other with their left hands and belabor each other with 
their sticks, but are too close to injiict ny serious injury. Enter 
Pastepot L.) 

P. (Laughs hilariously.) I'm the luckiest fellow alive. 
Here's an escape, and a blood-curdling item at the same time. I 
hope they will break a few bones to spice the article. (Jack 
rushes in with the poker which he flourishes wildly. He off'ers 
Pastepot the monkey-wrench.) Jack, put away the poker and the 



10 IS THE EDITOR IN? 

monkey-wrench. The pen is mightier than either. (Seats Mm- 
self at his desk, and writes fariously. The combatants suddenly 
stop. Pastepot jumps up.) I'm very sorry, Mr. Spar, to cause 
you this unnecessary trouble, but I couldn't find him anywhere. 
I went up one side of the street, and came down the other, but I 
didn't meet him. 

Spar, Then, who is that fellow! (Brandishes his cane defi- 
antly at Boodlum.) 

Boodlum. (Does same.) Who is i^Aa;^ fellow? 

P. I haven't the slightest idea! There's a serious mistake 
somewhere, gentlemen,"l'm sorry to say. 

Boodlum. I'm after the editor of the Tellawhopper. 

P. I can attend to subscriptions, sir. 

Boodlum. This is a matter, sir, which you cannot attend to. 

P. (Aside.) Glad to hear it. 

Spar. We're sold. But I'll make it up when I catch him. 
I'm determined to wait. 

Boodlum. And so will I. 

P. (Aside.) This is worse than ever. (Goes to B.) I have it. 
Gentlemen, at last I can give you the desired information. 
(Pointing off R.) Do you see that individual across the street 
on the porch of the Eagle Hotel? That man with the striped 
vest and the straw hat is the editor. Heels on the railing, smok- 
ing a cigar. Ha! ha! he's telling the crowd some of his stale 
jokes. 

Spar. I'll teach him how to meddle with my private affairs. 

Boodlum. I'll show him what it costs to insult my wif6. 
(Exeunt both R. P. gives icay to concidsions of laughter.) 

P. This is glorious. News is booming for to-morrow's 
TellaipJiojyper. Won't it be a surprise for the reptile of the 
Clashpacket, when Spar and Boodlum tackle him. I hope they'll 
drub him soundly. They will, though, for that little preliminary 
bout has put them on their mettle. They're in honor bound to 
thrash somebody. I must write it up. (Writes furiously.) 
"Almost a tragedy! A Thrilling Episode! Two prom- 
inent and highly influential citizens engage in a death 
struggle in the office of the Tellawhopper. The timely interference 
of the employes of the office alone prevented a horrible tragedy. 
Up to the hour of going to press, we have been unable to learn 
precisely the immediate cause of the unfortunate difficulty be- 
tween our esteemed fellow-citizens. The parties themselves are 
very reticent. Suffice it to say that the matter originated in a 
family feud of a very early date. Confidential friends of the 
families concerned say that the feud first originated betw-een the 
great grandfathers of the gentlemen, beyond the broad Atlantic, 
and was caused by a dispute concerning the proper division of a 
deer shot in a nobleman's park at a very unseasonable hour in 
the morning. Be that as it may, a few seconds more and the 
tomb would have hidden the fatal secret. Knives and pistol 
would soon have been drawn. (We infer they would, since that 



IS THE EDITOR IN? 11 

would be the proper thing under the circumstances.) But the 
strangest feature of the whole affair is, that after the gentleman 
had been disarmed by the employes of the Tellawhoppet\ who 
interfered at the risk of their lives, the belligerents joined in 
common cause to administer long-deserved punishment on that 
viper in the guise of a man who has so long insulted with im- 
punity this much-suffering community. The Clanhpacket has 
Haunted his offenses in the face of a suffering community too long. 
He has met his reward publicly. He was handsomely caned on 
the porch of the Eagle Hotel yesterday by the irate gentlemen 
referred to." {Speaks.) By the way I must see that agreeable oper- 
ation. {Goes to U as if looking out.) Confound him! he's ruined 
half my article! He has knocked them both down. I'll change 
it a little, and head it, ''Dastardly Assaulty 

{Writes furiously. Does not observe Spar and Boodlum icho en- 
ter L icith clubs.) 

Spar. I've got you noAV, you villain ! {Flourishes club.) 

Boodlum. I'll pay you for this trick. We know you now. 
{Flourishes club.) 

Pastepot. You know me, eh ! Well I can't say that I care 
particularly for your acquaintance just now\ I'm very busy. 

Spar. Make up your mind to a drubbing. There's no escape. 

Pastepot. Sir, you are seriously in error there. The mind of 
the true journalist soars above all exigencies. 

Spar. Then see if you can soaf above this. {They rush at P. 
with clubs uplifted. He exits rapidly R, pursued by Spar and 
Boodlwn.) 

<iUICK CURTAIN. 



THE ASSESSOR. 

A humorous sketch illustrating the ditlicultiee of an assessor in listing 
the property of a shrewd old farmer. Full of unexpected developments; 3 
male and 2 female. Time, 15 m. 

BORROWING TROUBLE. 

A ludicrous farce; 3 male and 4 female. Time, 30 m. Illustrates the very 
amusing trials of a borrowing family. 

" Borrowing Trouble fully sustained the excellent reputation gained by its 
author. It brought down the house."— ilf adisow (Wis.) Democrat. 
COUNTRY JUSTICE. 

Avery amusing country lawsuit; 8 male characters. (May admitl4). Time, 
15 minutes. Contains a very remarkable verdict. 

LOUVA, THE PAUPER. 

A drama in five acts : 9 male and 4 female characters. Time, 1 hour 45 m. 
Contains a good Yankee character and a humorous darky character. This is 
an intensely interesting and pathetic play. It admits of striking scenic el- 
fects, and is astrofig and popular play for amateurs. 

Act I., Louva's tyrants. Act II,, freedom promised and denied. Act III., 
the trial. Act IV., flight. Act V., pursuit; death in the mountains; retribu- 
tion. 

"Send sample copy of a play that is as good as Louva the Pauper. That 
took splendidly here.'"— G. J. Railshach. Miniei% III., Dramatic Club. 

" Peleg Pucker, the Yankee peddler, is inimitable.'"— Prac^eca^ Teacher, 
Chicago, ill. 

THE PULL-BACK. 

A laughable farce; 6 female. Time, 20 m. Contains an excellent old- 
fashioned " old lady" character. Pictures her adventures among the devotees 
of fashion. 

HANS VON SMASH. 

A roaring farce in a prologue and one act; 3 male and 4 female. Time, 
30 m. Contains an excellent numorous Dutch character. This is a very pop- 
ular farce. Country life. 

" Hans brought down the houBe .'''— DeVan Vleck, Bee]) Hiver, Iowa. 

ON THE BRINK, 

Or, The Reclaimed Husband. 

A temperance drama in two acts, by H. Elliott McBride; 12 male and 3 
female. Time, 1 hour, 45 m. Seven of the characters have unimportant 
parts, and some of the parts are so arranged that the same person may play 
two parts. Contains three humorous Yankee characters. 

"We rendered On the Brink a number of times very successfully to 
crowded houseB.""— Dramatic Club, Cordova, Minn. 

A PARLOR ENTERTAINMENT. 

A sketch, by H. Elliott McBride ; 2 male and 5 female. Time,' 25 m. A 
first rate piece for boys and girls in school exhibitions. Very amusing. 
OUR COUNTRY. 

A patriotic drama in three parts. Requires 9 male, 3 female. (Admits 9 
male, 15 female.) Four fine tableaux. Time, about 1 hour. Based on Colon- 
ial and Kevolutionary history of U. S. The narration is lively enough to make 
it take well. It contains some striking situations. 
A BAD JOB. 

A highly ludicrous farce, by H. Elliott McBride; 3 male, 2 female. Time, 
30 m. 

What Have tee to <Jo with Plymouth Roeh? 

A colloquy adapted to the use of Illinois schools, and of general interest 
to New England immigrants in the central Western States. By J. H. Blod- 
gett. Maybe used by from ten to twenty pupils. Time, 40 m. Interesting 
and instructive in the history of Illinois. 

AN ONLY DAUGHTER. 

A drama in three acts ; 4 male, 2 female. Time, 1 hour. 15 ra. An intense- 
ly interesting story of petted indulgence, error, siiflering, wrong, retaliation 
and repent.'iuce. Humor to make it take. No dialect. A society play to 
suit the most fastidious. Beady Nov. 15, 1879. 



I IRRARY OF CONGRESS 

015 863 521 5 •* 



THB SCHOOL MA'AM. 

A brilliant comedy in lour acts: 6 male, 5 female. Time, 1 hour, 45 m. 
This play is not a mere tisi^ue of imafiinaiive inciclents. There is scarcely an 
Incident in it hnt has had its counterpart in the workings of our public 
schools. It contains a good comic Irish character, an American "Mrs. 
Gamp," a "self-made man"' (poor job), and the typical American "School 
Ma'am,'" anxious to succeed, but beset with dilhculties. Every teacher, cv«rv 
director, every citizen, should read it as a hojli, whether you wish it as a play 
or not. 

THE IRISH LINEN PEDDLER. 

A lively farce; 3 male, 3 female. Time, 45 m. The action is lively, the 
incidents unexpected and ludicrous. Pat O'Doyle, the peddler, is a combina- 
tion of wit, drollery, cunning and impudence. 

THE KANSAS IMMIGRANTS; or, The Great Exodus. 

A roarinc farce ; .5 male, 1 female. Time. 30 m. Contains two darky 
characters. JExcrutiatiugly comical. Cannot fail to be a popular farce. 

IS THE EDITOR IN? 

A farce; 4 male and 2 female. Time, 20 m. Scene, a country newspaper 
office. Verj- amusing. 

A REGULAR I IX. 
A farce, by J. Madison Morton ; G ma e, 4 female. Time, 35 m. Very popular. 

MT TURN NEXT. 
A capital farce, by T. J. Williams; 4 male. 3 female. Time. 45 m. Illus- 
trates the difficulties an apothecary encountered through marrying in haste. 

A KISS IN THE DARK. 

A farce, by J. B. Buckstone; 3 male, 2 female. Time, 40 m. A highly 
successful farce. 

THE PERSECUTED DUTCHMAN. 
A farce, by S. Barry; 6 male, 3 feuiale. Time, 40 m. Good. 

LIMERICK BOY {Paddy Miles.) 
A farce, by James Pilgrim; 5 male, 2 female. Time, 40 m. A tip-lop 
farce. 

I'M NOT 3IESILF AT ALL. 

A farce, by C. A. MaUby; 3 male, 2 female. Time, 25 m. Very funny. 

A BOUND VOLUME 

Of plaj^s, containin": the first ten plays in this catalogue, substantially and 

handsomely bound in muslin, gilt stamp. Will be sent, postpaid, for $1.25. 

FRIDAY AFTERNOON SERIES. 

A collection of original, lively dialogues suitable for boys and girls in 
school entertainments. Some of the dialogues contain both male and female 
characters; some are for boys alone; some for girls alone. All are short. 
Price, 25 cents. 

SCHOOL AND PARLOR TABLEAUX, 
By Sara L. Stocking. A choice collection of original tableaux for school, 
church, and parlor entertainments. They embrace a wide range of subjects, 
from the classical to the comic. The historical tableaux admit the use of 
beautiful costumes, and cannot fail to please. Full instructions given as to 
costume. The comic tableaux are simple and easily prepared. Price, 25ct8. 

SCRAP-BOOK RECITATION SERIES, NO. 1, 

By H. M. Soper, Professor of Elocution. A choice collection of fresh read- 
ings, pathetic, dramatic and htimorous. The editor has taken especial pains 
to'make a collection chiefly of choice new pieces, which cannot easily be 
found elsewhere. The editor's extended experience in teaching elocution has 
admirably qualified him for discriminating as to what is really adapted to 
elocutionary purposes. While special care has been taken to find new and 
?'rtr6 pieces, nothing has been admitted which does not contain real merit. 
Ready Nov. 15, 1879. Price, 25 cents. 

T. S. DENISON, Chicago. 



